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Subscribe to ourI feel as if I’m living the movie “Failure to Launch”… my two oldest kids (22 yr old daughter, and 19 yr old son) don’t seem to want to grow up. They both have a good work ethic, and enjoy their jobs, but the jobs are low-wage introductory positions. My son is a cook, my daughter a cashier. It seems that, apart from a miracle (and I’m not against miracles), they’ll need a college degree in order to get a job which will support their own families, but neither one is motivated about school…
Last night my son said he’s not sure he wants to go back to school next semester!?!! I’m sure this is just a symptom of something deeper, perhaps a deficiency on my part, and that makes it tough to read into and guess how to solve this without a ton of more information I’m sure, but maybe someone has some experience or ideas? I’d love to hear some input or encouragement on the matter.
I noticed that you’re being hard on yourself and blaming yourself for the situation. Yet, you mentioned this important point:
Your children have a good work ethic and are showing responsibility by keeping steady employment and doing it well. They’re being productive members of society, which is an accomplishment that Noahides should strive for! Don’t belittle this.
They got this from somewhere! It was probably from their primary role models – their parents. This trait of responsibility gives some assurance that when necessary, they will likely be able to make sound conclusions regarding their present income and whether or not it will cover their expenses, etc. More about that later.
The first step, when you’re hoping that a child will make a certain choice, is this question you must ask yourself: “Do I have any control in this situation?” In my opinion, this is a situation where you don’t have any real control. You can offer them money for continuing their education (e.g., a stipend for living expenses, if that’s part of the plan), and/or you can cajole, punish, reward, etc. But you can’t make them walk to classes to get an education and take tests for them, or make them get passing grades.
Therefore, you can see that your children are purely in control of this decision at this point in their lives. Once they are past the age of high-school, they are too old for you to be in authoritative control of their goings and comings in regard to school. You can offer them whatever financial assistance you are willing to put out for them to go to a particular college that you agree to, but you can’t make them want to take it, and you shouldn’t force it on them because of the long-term resentment that could cause.
It is one of the most difficult things for a parent to do, but you must allow this one to slide off YOUR conscience and onto THEIRS. Since they are still relatively young, I am assuming that they do not have their own families yet. If they are still living at home, then they are not yet being required to provide for themselves either. So there is nothing compelling them within their own minds to do anything but what they are agreeably doing now – working at entry-level jobs.
Your didn’t say whether your children are living at home. If they are, you should let them know, as a point of helpful information, that when the time comes that they want to move out, or when you tell them it’s time, they will have some logical (!) choices to make. And so will you! It is up to you to decide if your young-adult child will be allowed to continue living at home, either unconditionally or with a set of firm conditions that you (as the home owner) lay down. If your adult (post teen-age) child takes the opportunity to live at home while abiding by YOUR conditions, then you should accept that, because it’s your conditions that have been met.
A college education is not the only alternative for developing a sufficient income. The young person can open a business, or make the effort to rise up through the ranks from an entry-level position to become a manager or a franchise owner. It comes down to laying the basis for income for self-support, family support, and investment for retirement (and insurance costs). Young adults (in age, if not in maturity) will learn this only from experience, which is something you can not create for them at this point.
You can always encourage them to achieve their G’d-given potential by working honestly in whatever they do.
Thank G-d, your children are still young and have time ahead of them to get an education and learn this lesson. Worrying, nagging, insisting or arguing to convince them will only strain your relationships. Your relationship with them is MUCH more important in the long run than the education you want them to have in the short term. When they’ll be faced with learning lessons on their own, it might be challenging for them. They will need to come back to you for advice, support and encouragement. The last thing you’ll want is feelings of lingering resentment on both sides.
It’s better to repeat to them, and to yourself, that you love them and believe in them. Tell them: no matter what decisions they make, they’ll still be your kids, and you’ll always love them. In a non-invasive manner, mention that you have some thoughts and ideas about their plans for next year, and if they’re interested, you’ll be happy to have a discussion with them about it. Even if they don’t take you up on the offer right now, they’ll get the message that you’re an available and loving resource, and you will be there for them should they ever need you.
And it is never productive to think that you messed up with them, etc…. Remember that even if this issue is a reflection of a deeper problem, that does not absolve them of their responsibility to provide for the families that they will choose to make. (Hopefully they’ve learned responsibility, and it’s never too late to give them that opportunity.) And your steady belief in them and the relationship that you continue to have with them will definitely make a difference!
Since I subscribe to the effectiveness of the “love and logic” approach in parenting, I’ve answered along those lines. If you want more information about this (books and/or on-line resources), please visit: Loveandlogic.com
Noahide
